{"id":4658,"date":"2016-08-19T13:55:52","date_gmt":"2016-08-19T20:55:52","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/annleemiller.com\/?p=4658"},"modified":"2016-08-19T13:55:52","modified_gmt":"2016-08-19T20:55:52","slug":"ashes","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/annleemiller.com\/2016\/08\/ashes\/","title":{"rendered":"Ashes"},"content":{"rendered":"

Roosevelt Bridge, Stuart, Florida<\/p><\/div>\n

Mom shuffled along the pier stretching into the St. Lucie River beside her lifelong friend Reene Zeigler. I trailed behind, bright sun, a stiff November breeze, and memories of this sandy town where I\u2019d lived during eighth, ninth, and tenth grades distracting me from our mission.<\/p>\n

Mom was in her mid-eighties and shaped like one of those toy clowns that you knock over and they pop back up. She\u2019d outlived my health-nut father and my hard-drinking stepfather. Today we\u2019d spread Dad\u2019s ashes off the dock at Sunset Bay Marina in Stuart, Florida. Tomorrow we\u2019d travel up the coast to spill my stepfather\u2019s in New Smyrna Beach where he\u2019d owned Behrens\u2019 Book Store for years.<\/p>\n

It was November, 2009. I\u2019d ushered Mom\u2014and my two fathers in a suitcase\u2014through security at the Phoenix Sky Harbor Airport a few days earlier. A TSA officer glanced up at me like I was trailer trash as she tested my Ziploc bags of paternal remains with an eyedropper.<\/p>\n

\"Me,

Me, Mom, Cash Adams, Reene & Bill Zeigler<\/p><\/div>\n

At the end of the pier Reene joined her husband, Bill, where he stood with Cash Adams and Bob Caffrey, two of my father\u2019s swimming buddies from the late forties at the University of Miami.<\/p>\n

Mom wore the pretty peach slacks and a coordinating top with tiny flowers I\u2019d bought. She\u2019d always favored zebra prints and I wore solids Jackie O. might have bought if she\u2019d gone garage saling with the two of us. We\u2019d always hated each other\u2019s taste, but now Mom\u2019s neurons had aged just enough for her to wear what I laid out.<\/p>\n

Mom wandered perilously close to the edge of the dock, her expression vacant.<\/p>\n

I hooked my arm through hers, hoping to pull her back into today. \u201cIt\u2019s the ashes\u2014not you\u2014we\u2019re putting in the drink.\u201d I smiled at my joke, tucking her closer to my side.<\/p>\n

\"Cash

Cash Adams, Bill Zeigler, Bob Caffrey<\/p><\/div>\n

Mom looked up blankly. \u201cAshes?\u201d<\/p>\n

I squinted at the sun, high over Roosevelt Bridge. \u201cRemember, Dad turned yellow. We found out he had liver and pancreatic cancer. Then he died in the hospital bed the hospice people set up in my office.\u201d I glanced at Mom to see if she tracked with me, but I couldn\u2019t tell. \u201cA year later Ralph went to the hospital while you ate Raisin Bran\u2026 and didn\u2019t come home. We\u2019re spreading their ashes.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh goody,\u201d she said in the syrupy voice I\u2019d heard when she told me she was divorcing my father and any number of sad occurrences she wanted to soften for me.<\/p>\n

My head jerked up, sarcasm rising to the surface. \u201cDon\u2019t sound like you offed them yourself. This is a solemn occasion.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo\u2026 no. Everything is peachy cream. Your father loved Florida. Ralph loved Florida. This is where they belong.\u201d She gave me an all-is-right-with-the-world smile. \u201cI\u2019m glad Cash came. Don\u2019t you think he\u2019s handsome?\u201d<\/p>\n

Mom\u2019s perennial crush on Cash always annoyed me. \u201cI can\u2019t believe I schlepped Dad and Ralph across the country to pay our respects and you\u2019re planning your next husband!\u201d<\/p>\n

Mom grinned. \u201cDid I ever tell you I once saw Cash\u2019s hind quarters?\u201d<\/p>\n

\"Sunset

Sunset Bay Marina, Stuart, Florida<\/p><\/div>\n

\u201cWhat? When? Gross. He\u2019s ancient.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt was a long time ago. I didn\u2019t think it was gross at the time.\u201d Mom wrinkled her brow in puzzlement. \u201cMaybe you\u2019re right. God knows I\u2019ve seen more than my share of wrinkly behinds as an R.N.\u201d<\/p>\n

I shuddered. This was way too much information.<\/p>\n

Mom\u2019s grin returned.<\/p>\n

I let go of her elbow. \u201cQuit thinking about Cash\u2019s butt.\u201d<\/p>\n

Mom sobered. \u201cYou\u2019re right. It\u2019s a solemn occasion. And happy.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHow is saying good-bye happy?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNeither one of them was any great shakes as a husband.\u201d<\/p>\n

I nodded. Nor had they been great fathers. I led Mom to the end of the dock where the others waited and passed out small baggies of Dad from my shoulder bag.<\/p>\n

\"Bob

Bob Caffrey spreading Dad’s ashes.<\/p><\/div>\n

The Zeiglers, Cash, and Bob Caffrey shared memories of my father. They spread out along the dock emptying their gray dust in silence.<\/p>\n

I handed Mom the last bag. \u201cShake it out on the river.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWho\u2019s this?\u201d Mom said.<\/p>\n

\u201cDad.\u201d I tried to lighten the moment. \u201cFeel how light the ashes are. He was 120 pounds to Ralph\u2019s 300.\u201d<\/p>\n

Mom fisted the bottom of the Ziploc and upended it.<\/p>\n

A cloud of ashes swirled in the breeze, the heavier bits sinking, the ashes following.<\/p>\n

My pieces of Dad followed hers. I blinked several times and collected my emotions.<\/p>\n

We watched Dad disappear in the green water lapping against the pilings.<\/p>\n

Behind us the others murmured and retreated down the dock.<\/p>\n

I dreaded going through this again tomorrow. I turned Mom toward the marina. \u201cDad and Ralph would have been P.O.ed if we\u2019d launched them into eternity together. They hated each other.\u201d<\/p>\n

\"Me

Me & Dad<\/p><\/div>\n

\u201cYour Dad was a druid and Ralph was a Lutheran. They\u2019re probably not even going to the same address.\u201d Mom shook her head sadly. \u201c\u2026if they\u2019d only been Catholics.\u201d<\/p>\n

Dad was technically a Neo-Gnostic, but I wasn\u2019t going to correct her.<\/p>\n

I looked over my shoulder at the spot where we\u2019d left Dad. Under \u00a0too few happy memories and too many regrets flowed a river of love as deep and wide as the St. Lucie. I fluttered my hand at the water. Bye, Dad.<\/p>\n

[Literary license: As far as I know, my mother never saw Cash\u2019s \u201chind quarters,\u201d but the underlying sentiment is factual.]<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Mom shuffled along the pier stretching into the St. Lucie River beside her lifelong friend Reene Zeigler. I trailed behind, bright sun, a stiff November breeze, and memories of this sandy town where I\u2019d lived during eighth, ninth, and tenth grades distracting me from our mission. Mom was in her mid-eighties and shaped like one […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":4659,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","_exactmetrics_skip_tracking":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_active":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_note":"","_exactmetrics_sitenote_category":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","enabled":false}}},"categories":[2,572,66],"tags":[577,576,578],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"yoast_head":"\nAshes - Ann Lee Miller<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/annleemiller.com\/2016\/08\/ashes\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Ashes - Ann Lee Miller\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Mom shuffled along the pier stretching into the St. Lucie River beside her lifelong friend Reene Zeigler. I trailed behind, bright sun, a stiff November breeze, and memories of this sandy town where I\u2019d lived during eighth, ninth, and tenth grades distracting me from our mission. Mom was in her mid-eighties and shaped like one […]\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/annleemiller.com\/2016\/08\/ashes\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Ann Lee Miller\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2016-08-19T20:55:52+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/annleemiller.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/08\/photo-1464274582105-6b442eadde5e-1024x683.jpg\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"1024\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"683\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/jpeg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Ann Lee Miller\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Ann Lee Miller\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"5 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/annleemiller.com\/2016\/08\/ashes\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/annleemiller.com\/2016\/08\/ashes\/\",\"name\":\"Ashes - Ann Lee Miller\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/annleemiller.com\/#website\"},\"primaryImageOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/annleemiller.com\/2016\/08\/ashes\/#primaryimage\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/annleemiller.com\/2016\/08\/ashes\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/annleemiller.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/08\/photo-1464274582105-6b442eadde5e.jpg?fit=5184%2C3456&ssl=1\",\"datePublished\":\"2016-08-19T20:55:52+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2016-08-19T20:55:52+00:00\",\"author\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/annleemiller.com\/#\/schema\/person\/0c6315623cc1435f5aee5a884e61776e\"},\"breadcrumb\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/annleemiller.com\/2016\/08\/ashes\/#breadcrumb\"},\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"ReadAction\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/annleemiller.com\/2016\/08\/ashes\/\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"ImageObject\",\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/annleemiller.com\/2016\/08\/ashes\/#primaryimage\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/annleemiller.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/08\/photo-1464274582105-6b442eadde5e.jpg?fit=5184%2C3456&ssl=1\",\"contentUrl\":\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/annleemiller.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/08\/photo-1464274582105-6b442eadde5e.jpg?fit=5184%2C3456&ssl=1\",\"width\":5184,\"height\":3456,\"caption\":\"Photo by Katie Chase.\"},{\"@type\":\"BreadcrumbList\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/annleemiller.com\/2016\/08\/ashes\/#breadcrumb\",\"itemListElement\":[{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":1,\"name\":\"Home\",\"item\":\"https:\/\/annleemiller.com\/\"},{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":2,\"name\":\"Ashes\"}]},{\"@type\":\"WebSite\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/annleemiller.com\/#website\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/annleemiller.com\/\",\"name\":\"Ann Lee Miller\",\"description\":\"Author, Speaker, & Blogger Extraordinaire\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"SearchAction\",\"target\":{\"@type\":\"EntryPoint\",\"urlTemplate\":\"https:\/\/annleemiller.com\/?s={search_term_string}\"},\"query-input\":\"required name=search_term_string\"}],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\"},{\"@type\":\"Person\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/annleemiller.com\/#\/schema\/person\/0c6315623cc1435f5aee5a884e61776e\",\"name\":\"Ann Lee Miller\",\"sameAs\":[\"https:\/\/annleemiller.com\"],\"url\":\"https:\/\/annleemiller.com\/author\/peabody11\/\"}]}<\/script>\n<!-- \/ Yoast SEO plugin. -->","yoast_head_json":{"title":"Ashes - Ann Lee Miller","robots":{"index":"index","follow":"follow","max-snippet":"max-snippet:-1","max-image-preview":"max-image-preview:large","max-video-preview":"max-video-preview:-1"},"canonical":"https:\/\/annleemiller.com\/2016\/08\/ashes\/","og_locale":"en_US","og_type":"article","og_title":"Ashes - Ann Lee Miller","og_description":"Mom shuffled along the pier stretching into the St. Lucie River beside her lifelong friend Reene Zeigler. I trailed behind, bright sun, a stiff November breeze, and memories of this sandy town where I\u2019d lived during eighth, ninth, and tenth grades distracting me from our mission. Mom was in her mid-eighties and shaped like one […]","og_url":"https:\/\/annleemiller.com\/2016\/08\/ashes\/","og_site_name":"Ann Lee Miller","article_published_time":"2016-08-19T20:55:52+00:00","og_image":[{"width":1024,"height":683,"url":"https:\/\/annleemiller.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/08\/photo-1464274582105-6b442eadde5e-1024x683.jpg","type":"image\/jpeg"}],"author":"Ann Lee Miller","twitter_misc":{"Written by":"Ann Lee Miller","Est. reading time":"5 minutes"},"schema":{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org","@graph":[{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https:\/\/annleemiller.com\/2016\/08\/ashes\/","url":"https:\/\/annleemiller.com\/2016\/08\/ashes\/","name":"Ashes - Ann Lee Miller","isPartOf":{"@id":"https:\/\/annleemiller.com\/#website"},"primaryImageOfPage":{"@id":"https:\/\/annleemiller.com\/2016\/08\/ashes\/#primaryimage"},"image":{"@id":"https:\/\/annleemiller.com\/2016\/08\/ashes\/#primaryimage"},"thumbnailUrl":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/annleemiller.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/08\/photo-1464274582105-6b442eadde5e.jpg?fit=5184%2C3456&ssl=1","datePublished":"2016-08-19T20:55:52+00:00","dateModified":"2016-08-19T20:55:52+00:00","author":{"@id":"https:\/\/annleemiller.com\/#\/schema\/person\/0c6315623cc1435f5aee5a884e61776e"},"breadcrumb":{"@id":"https:\/\/annleemiller.com\/2016\/08\/ashes\/#breadcrumb"},"inLanguage":"en-US","potentialAction":[{"@type":"ReadAction","target":["https:\/\/annleemiller.com\/2016\/08\/ashes\/"]}]},{"@type":"ImageObject","inLanguage":"en-US","@id":"https:\/\/annleemiller.com\/2016\/08\/ashes\/#primaryimage","url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/annleemiller.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/08\/photo-1464274582105-6b442eadde5e.jpg?fit=5184%2C3456&ssl=1","contentUrl":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/annleemiller.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/08\/photo-1464274582105-6b442eadde5e.jpg?fit=5184%2C3456&ssl=1","width":5184,"height":3456,"caption":"Photo by Katie Chase."},{"@type":"BreadcrumbList","@id":"https:\/\/annleemiller.com\/2016\/08\/ashes\/#breadcrumb","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"name":"Home","item":"https:\/\/annleemiller.com\/"},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"name":"Ashes"}]},{"@type":"WebSite","@id":"https:\/\/annleemiller.com\/#website","url":"https:\/\/annleemiller.com\/","name":"Ann Lee Miller","description":"Author, Speaker, & Blogger Extraordinaire","potentialAction":[{"@type":"SearchAction","target":{"@type":"EntryPoint","urlTemplate":"https:\/\/annleemiller.com\/?s={search_term_string}"},"query-input":"required name=search_term_string"}],"inLanguage":"en-US"},{"@type":"Person","@id":"https:\/\/annleemiller.com\/#\/schema\/person\/0c6315623cc1435f5aee5a884e61776e","name":"Ann Lee Miller","sameAs":["https:\/\/annleemiller.com"],"url":"https:\/\/annleemiller.com\/author\/peabody11\/"}]}},"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/annleemiller.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/08\/photo-1464274582105-6b442eadde5e.jpg?fit=5184%2C3456&ssl=1","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/s4Hftl-ashes","jetpack-related-posts":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/annleemiller.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4658"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/annleemiller.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/annleemiller.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/annleemiller.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/annleemiller.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=4658"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/annleemiller.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4658\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/annleemiller.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/4659"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/annleemiller.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=4658"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/annleemiller.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=4658"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/annleemiller.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=4658"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}